If Music Be The Food Of Love...

Hi everyone – it's me, your dear guest blogger again! I've got a bit of time in between some work things so I thought I'd write about another topic – one that is up there in my top 5 of "most important things" for my wedding…

…the song for the first dance!

This weekend, through a tougher process than I thought, Anjani and I settled on our first dance song. We could not be happier with our choice.

But before I go any further, since I know people will want to know, I am NOT going to ruin the surprise of what song we chose and why that particular one. That blog post may come after the wedding, but not now!

Instead, I'm going to focus on the process for how we arrived at our decision.

I believe that in choosing the song for the first dance, couples fall into one of four categories:
1) Neither has a strong opinion about the song and really don't care
2) One of the two has a strong opinion on the song and the other doesn't care
3) Neither has a strong opinion about the song but deeply care about the choice
4) Both have differing strong opinions and deeply care about the choice

CATEGORY 1:
I don't think anyone wants to admit they fall into this category, but I've been to enough weddings to know that more often than not, the results tell me that most couples actually do. These are the couples that end up going to Google and typing "Top 10 Wedding Songs" and picking from there, or some similar generic process. To me, this is sad. This may sound strong, but I really believe you should never have to ask for outside help on ideas for a first dance song. Your choice is an expression of YOU as a couple and should never be outsourced. After all the work that has gone into every other little detail, please don't belittle this piece by turning it over to Google (or someone else)!

But rest easy – if you are brave enough to admit that you fall into this category, read on, I'll give you some tips shortly!

CATEGORY 2:
Ok, so you're not going to leave your fate to Google. That's a great first step. But you're not quite there yet. I know everyone has to "pick their battles" in planning a wedding, but a first dance should not fall into this area. Think of it this way – it's not one of you dancing with the other watching, is it? It's BOTH of you. Shouldn't the song likewise represent BOTH of you?

If you're in this category, dig deeper. Work with each other to ensure that both people have a voice and are vocalizing their opinions. Music is all around us and is always part of our life's experiences, surely even though someone says they may not care, I'm willing to bet that they still have a lot to contribute.

CATEGORY 3 & 4
Now you're in the sweet spot. At least you know it's an important decision to take seriously and are ready to move forward. Maybe you don't know where to start, or maybe you are both stubborn enough that you don't know how to arrive at a satisfying conclusion. Either way, you're on the right track!

Note: By the way, Anjani and I very clearly fall into Category 4. As a musician, music is always at the forefront of my mind, and at its very least it provides the backdrop for so many of our most special moments. Be it bouncing around our living room to Parts&Labor's "Nowhere's Nigh", cooking dinner to our favorite jazz artists, or skipping in the rain to "Chhoti Si Aasha", we are almost always surrounded by great music and it has become an important part of our relationship. As a result, our initial list of songs was long, and it became clear that each of us had some strong opinions about them!

THE PATH TO SELECTION
Now that you're ready to bypass Google, listen to each other, and embark on picking a song, let me offer some tips for how to get there.

I think there's a few attributes that go into the selection of a great first dance song:
1) Importance
2) Message
3) Culture
4) Choreography
5) Length
6) Presentation

I don't think these should all be weighted equally, but I do think you'd be doing yourselves a disservice by ignoring any of these. For example, just picking a song because it is special to you is not enough. Anjani and I both love the song "Ne Me Quitte Pas", and it was initially considered. However, lyrically, it is not the most appropriate choice ("Please don't leave me!") – god forbid we dance to a song in which Nina Simone is begging someone not to leave her!

So let's talk about each of these attributes and hopefully I can offer some insight into how we did this.

Step 1, go get your hard drive with all of your MP3's (or open your CD collection), and load up iTunes with everything in it. You need to go through everything because it's too easy to forget great options if you try to do this in your head!

Attribute 1: Importance
This is probably the easiest one to talk about. Think through your relationship (remember, this is about the BOTH of you, not one of you), and think about the songs that may have meant a lot to you. As you go through your list, pull out songs that trigger a memory, experience, emotion, whatever. Pull out songs that seem to describe you as a couple. For our Indian readers, don't ignore Bollywood films or old Indian songs!

Attribute 2: Lyrics
This one is trickier, because it's the easiest trap for couples to fall into. Most people are not musicians, and I believe most non-musicians approach music as "melodic poetry". In other words, lyrics are the most important thing.

Yes, I agree that you want to pick a song with nice lyrics, and certainly don't want to pick something with inappropriate lyrics ("Ne Me Quitte Pas"!). But, remember, when you are doing your dance, you are not listening to the lyrics, or at least you shouldn't be listening to the lyrics in lieu of gazing into your loved one's eyes! The thing is, neither are your guests. They are watching you dance, not really listening intently to the song. The music is there to set the mood rather than take center stage as some sort of lyrical statement.

So don't get too hung up on trying to find a song that lyrically matches everything about you. You probably won't find it, and, if you do, it's more likely a song that's only artificially important to you as a couple. And at the end of it, neither you nor the audience will pay as much attention to it as you may think.

As evidence (minor spoiler alert), I will say that lyrically, the song Anjani and I selected has nothing to do with us. In fact, the lyrics have nothing to do with anything.

Attribute 3: Culture
Bollywood addicts unite! Most of our readers on this blog are likely south Asian, and thus likely pretty well-versed with Bollywood culture and music. If you are not, you probably at least realize that Bollywood is a big deal to the subcontinent, and realize that we are planning an Indian wedding, so there will be lots of elements that are, well, INDIAN.

Early on in our process, Anjani and I asked the question of whether we wanted an English or Hindi song. Both of us responded with a resounding "it doesn't matter." But I understand if some couples are deadset on one direction versus the other. There are wonderful songs in both cultures, so it's definitely a conversation worth having. I'm not sure if the selection of an Indian song makes the overall any more or less Indian, but, in conjunction with the rest of the blog here, I would only caution couples from selecting an Indian song simply because it's Indian…remember, it should be something meaningful to you. Also, keep in mind that if you select a song in Hindi, then any non-indian audience member won't know what the lyrics mean (which they're not really listening to anyway!).

Attribute 4: Choreography
This was an interesting one for us. You probably have an idea of what kind of dance you're planning on doing – be it a choreographed ballroom dance routine or just an open-ended slow dancing in close embrace. Make sure the song you choose fits this decision (and vice-versa). It is a first dance, not a favorite song. For us, many of the "semi-finalist" songs that made the list were subsequently cut because they simply did not work with our selected dance style. We ended up selecting a song that will work perfectly with our dance style – and meets the other criteria, of course.

Attribute 5: Length
I don't know what the magic formula is, but I would venture to guess that a song longer than 4 minutes is too long for this. Audience members, especially Indian ones, are finicky people and will start to get restless after this amount of time. Does that mean you can't pick something longer? No. But I'd suggest working with your DJ to either fade out or edit the song outright to get it to that length.

Attribute 6: Performance
Our final one is another tricky one. Is this a performance for your guests? Or is it just for you two? Well, of course, the answer is both. Surely, this is YOUR first dance, not your audience's. It should be special for you, but who cares about anyone else? Well, if you completely ignore the audience, then why are you doing it in the reception, in front of all of your guests? They are part of this and they will be watching you. Don't forget that there indeed is an "entertainment" component to this. So, in picking your music, try not to pick something that will instantly cause your audience to fall asleep or tune out.

This is another opportunity to let yourselves shine and to convey who you are as a couple. Some of my favorite first dances have been when the couple have picked a great song that clearly they love and then do something fun with it, like a fun salsa dance. If you're a fun-loving couple, why pick something that's sleepy or boring? Just remember, it is a balance between a moment for each other as well as a performance for your guests, like it or not!

And there you have it. I think if you can both get to a point where you appreciate the value of this decision and take care with it, you're on the right track. From there, start going through the list of songs and thinking about these different attributes. You're sure to find a great fit – for you, for each other, for the dance, for the guests, and for your wedding day.